In another year of well-publicised turbulence, the Hendrick’s XI’s 13th season was punctuated only by true love and awkward dancing to indie music as not one but two of our most beloved members tied the knot. As well as a pair of high-profile stag dos and subsequent weddings, there was a sub-plot of cricketing redemption and personal actualisation playing out for both these fine individuals.
We start our story with Tom Metcalf and Qas Khattak, both accomplished players in their own way, but each in need of discovering their most effervescent form. In keeping with his tastes for luxurious excess, Khattak was getting married for the third time (to the same woman, for the sake of clarity) and even honoured the team by locating his latest nuptials a mere stone’s throw from the Isle of Wight’s Shanklin CC, scene of one of the Hendrick’s XI numerous touring defeats.
His bachelor bash arrived on the eve of the season, with a surprise appearance from none other than the great Sikh of Tweak, Monty Panesar. The pair were seen deep in conversation over post-indoor-cricket beers, Khattak keen for insights on how ‘The Python’ had ensnared some of his 167 Test wickets, while the former pro was more intent on finding a fresh angle for his “big scoop” to support a burgeoning career in sports journalism.
To borrow from a famous Japanese proverb, “A good husband is both healthy and absent”, and it was is in this spirit that our two heroes spent their first summer of marriage trawling the urban and slightly less urban greens of England, locked in an endless, maddening, almost spiritual pursuit of runs, wickets and sporting immortality. Thus, their quixotic quest begun.
We start our story with Tom Metcalf and Qas Khattak, both accomplished players in their own way, but each in need of discovering their most effervescent form. In keeping with his tastes for luxurious excess, Khattak was getting married for the third time (to the same woman, for the sake of clarity) and even honoured the team by locating his latest nuptials a mere stone’s throw from the Isle of Wight’s Shanklin CC, scene of one of the Hendrick’s XI numerous touring defeats.
His bachelor bash arrived on the eve of the season, with a surprise appearance from none other than the great Sikh of Tweak, Monty Panesar. The pair were seen deep in conversation over post-indoor-cricket beers, Khattak keen for insights on how ‘The Python’ had ensnared some of his 167 Test wickets, while the former pro was more intent on finding a fresh angle for his “big scoop” to support a burgeoning career in sports journalism.
To borrow from a famous Japanese proverb, “A good husband is both healthy and absent”, and it was is in this spirit that our two heroes spent their first summer of marriage trawling the urban and slightly less urban greens of England, locked in an endless, maddening, almost spiritual pursuit of runs, wickets and sporting immortality. Thus, their quixotic quest begun.
CHAPTER 1: THE OKAY, THE BAD AND THE DOWNRIGHT DISAPPOINTING
Inspired by his fourth rewatching of acclaimed Ben Stokes documentary Phoenix from the Ashes, occasional captain and ludicrous charlatan Henry Wickham had spent the lead up to the season growing a questionable ‘beard’ alongside a series of increasingly tight skin fades and getting his upper arm freshly inked while strategising how best to “Bazball it around” the sodden council pitches of central London. Some aggressive tactics, alongside some aggressive recruitment, would be required to rebuild the squad into a cohesive unit capable of dominating teams in the below-non-league cricket arena.
Cue their opening fixture against Railway Taverners, and the long march north to the plains of Mill Hill. New additions Dom Howard, of long-time Hendrick’s opponents The Bodleian Library CC, and Charlie Pearson, of Brisbane, Australia (and therefore an innately high-calibre cricketer), were secured with a heady sense of misplaced, early season optimism.
Cue their opening fixture against Railway Taverners, and the long march north to the plains of Mill Hill. New additions Dom Howard, of long-time Hendrick’s opponents The Bodleian Library CC, and Charlie Pearson, of Brisbane, Australia (and therefore an innately high-calibre cricketer), were secured with a heady sense of misplaced, early season optimism.
Things then proceeded to fall apart with astonishing efficiency, even by the standards of this systematically collapsible Hendrick’s unit. James ‘Big V’ Hewlett ran himself out in the frenetic opening exchanges, going for a quick single unsurprisingly turned down by the quick-single-averse Olly May, before batting lynchpin Khattak saw one slip through his defences.
By the time May, the only player to make it past 20, departed at 62-8, a record-breakingly low total looked on the cards. That they almost made it into triple figures owed much to some awkward but wildly successful stroke play from the most unlikely of sources – number 11 Ajay Shah finding the boundary for the first time in his long and storied Hendrick’s career en route to an intoxicating all-time high of 14.
Pearson’s pace and control with the ball, unseen in Hendrick’s colours since the last time they had hijacked a ringer of similar quality, provided a much-needed tonic. His outrageous opening spell returned figures resembling a football team formation – five overs, four maidens, one wicket for one run. Needless to say, he was never seen again.
Despite the rest of the ‘attack’ (a generous word to describe the polite, almost apologetic style of bowling they had perfect over the years) managing respectable economy rates, the lack of wickets proved decisive as Taverners nudged and nurdled their way to victory. The 27 overs it took them to inch past a hopelessly anaemic target of 98 immediately marking this down as one of the most drawn-out defeats inflicted in the history of sport.
A follow-up T10 beer match was then rashly agreed upon by the skipper, Wickham drawing daggers from his unimpressed comrades keen to draw a line under a chastening day. Fortunately they contrived to lose that in similarly economical fashion, and Hendrick’s were still home in time for a geriatrically early dinner.
By the time May, the only player to make it past 20, departed at 62-8, a record-breakingly low total looked on the cards. That they almost made it into triple figures owed much to some awkward but wildly successful stroke play from the most unlikely of sources – number 11 Ajay Shah finding the boundary for the first time in his long and storied Hendrick’s career en route to an intoxicating all-time high of 14.
Pearson’s pace and control with the ball, unseen in Hendrick’s colours since the last time they had hijacked a ringer of similar quality, provided a much-needed tonic. His outrageous opening spell returned figures resembling a football team formation – five overs, four maidens, one wicket for one run. Needless to say, he was never seen again.
Despite the rest of the ‘attack’ (a generous word to describe the polite, almost apologetic style of bowling they had perfect over the years) managing respectable economy rates, the lack of wickets proved decisive as Taverners nudged and nurdled their way to victory. The 27 overs it took them to inch past a hopelessly anaemic target of 98 immediately marking this down as one of the most drawn-out defeats inflicted in the history of sport.
A follow-up T10 beer match was then rashly agreed upon by the skipper, Wickham drawing daggers from his unimpressed comrades keen to draw a line under a chastening day. Fortunately they contrived to lose that in similarly economical fashion, and Hendrick’s were still home in time for a geriatrically early dinner.
On to the Test arena, where a two-day encounter with Plastics awaited. Reinforcements were secured through Hewlett’s shady civil service back channels, as dashing all-rounder Rob Cobbold was added to the line-up, bringing with the bat a stylish élan and with the ball an avaricious pursuit of wickets.
His five-fer helped keep the first-innings total within range – as Plastics slipped from an imposing 224-2 to 285 all out – before a promising chase was teed up by a typically bullish 75 from May (off 62), a typically flashy 22 (off 21) from Tom Nowlan and a typically adhesive 17 (off 38) from Hewlett. But following a clatter of middle order wickets, a rearguard action was required to secure the advantage.
Cobbold once more strutted with aplomb, while the mercurial Owez Madhani, fresh from wrapping up the tail (two wickets for two runs) with his always-popular left-arm ‘unorthodox’, played an absolute gem. They matched each other almost run-for-run and ball-for-ball in one of this century’s more unlikely batting bromances, inching Hendrick’s in front by three runs at the halfway mark.
Plastics swung hard after the break to tee up an aggressive declaration, in the spirit of the fixture after Hendrick’s similarly punchy move in 2022. A smash-and-grab 26 from Khattak up top was the fiery opening course before Madhani once more bent the game to his will. Fresh from what we understand was a highly successful romantic liaison the night before, he practically bounded to the crease, unfurling a sumptuous repertoire of shots en route to a maiden half century that was rapturously received by the Hendrick’s support.
Not to be outdone, Cobbold set about the bowling with savage abandon. Still needing more than a hundred to clinch the win when Madhani passed him the baton at 98-5, fears of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory as they had done the previous year were starting to swirl.
His five-fer helped keep the first-innings total within range – as Plastics slipped from an imposing 224-2 to 285 all out – before a promising chase was teed up by a typically bullish 75 from May (off 62), a typically flashy 22 (off 21) from Tom Nowlan and a typically adhesive 17 (off 38) from Hewlett. But following a clatter of middle order wickets, a rearguard action was required to secure the advantage.
Cobbold once more strutted with aplomb, while the mercurial Owez Madhani, fresh from wrapping up the tail (two wickets for two runs) with his always-popular left-arm ‘unorthodox’, played an absolute gem. They matched each other almost run-for-run and ball-for-ball in one of this century’s more unlikely batting bromances, inching Hendrick’s in front by three runs at the halfway mark.
Plastics swung hard after the break to tee up an aggressive declaration, in the spirit of the fixture after Hendrick’s similarly punchy move in 2022. A smash-and-grab 26 from Khattak up top was the fiery opening course before Madhani once more bent the game to his will. Fresh from what we understand was a highly successful romantic liaison the night before, he practically bounded to the crease, unfurling a sumptuous repertoire of shots en route to a maiden half century that was rapturously received by the Hendrick’s support.
Not to be outdone, Cobbold set about the bowling with savage abandon. Still needing more than a hundred to clinch the win when Madhani passed him the baton at 98-5, fears of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory as they had done the previous year were starting to swirl.
But a staggeringly brutal display of power hitting was unleashed, made all the more impressive by the sickening ease with which he pulled off the feat. Blasting his way to 77 off just 33 balls, their new man almost pulled off the most dramatic of victories, only for Ol’ Father Time to call an end to the dizzying chase with Hendrick’s still 10 shy of their target.
After landing the MOTM from Plastics, Cobbold drifted off into the night, not to be seen again for the rest of the season, his heroics perfectly preserved in the memories of all present for his absolute ransacking of the game’s statistics.
Next up, Hendrick’s rolled into what looked, on paper at least, a relatively soft assignment against the boozed up, dressed down and largely cricket-ambivalent crew of the Metcalf XI – a team assembled purely for the purpose of giving young Tom the big send-off his single life deserved. Indeed, it was billed by the Stag himself as “an eminently winnable fixture”, which of course gave it the kiss of death.
The surprise success of this motley collective was largely down to (on top of the fact the side featured many of the Hendrick’s XI’s best players) the Great Metcalf Renaissance, as the man of the day dazzled like an Italian Master from the 1500s, the cricket pitch his canvas and his performance a masterpiece of sporting artistry.
After landing the MOTM from Plastics, Cobbold drifted off into the night, not to be seen again for the rest of the season, his heroics perfectly preserved in the memories of all present for his absolute ransacking of the game’s statistics.
Next up, Hendrick’s rolled into what looked, on paper at least, a relatively soft assignment against the boozed up, dressed down and largely cricket-ambivalent crew of the Metcalf XI – a team assembled purely for the purpose of giving young Tom the big send-off his single life deserved. Indeed, it was billed by the Stag himself as “an eminently winnable fixture”, which of course gave it the kiss of death.
The surprise success of this motley collective was largely down to (on top of the fact the side featured many of the Hendrick’s XI’s best players) the Great Metcalf Renaissance, as the man of the day dazzled like an Italian Master from the 1500s, the cricket pitch his canvas and his performance a masterpiece of sporting artistry.
With a gauntlet of punitive, alcohol-based fines in place should his batting, bowling or fielding waver even slightly, the stakes were excessively high – as were expectations that he would quickly find himself forced to down buckets of booze to trigger a mid-game meltdown. But Metcalf was out to disappoint the ravenous pack of onlookers.
Having sharpened his skills playing something resembling ‘proper cricket’ for a local Bristol outfit, he steamed in with a shimmering sense of confidence, cricket whites looking especially well-starched in the early June sun. The ball barrelled from his fingertips, as if released from some high-precision machine of war, heat-seeking the perfect line and length from his left-arm over-the-wicket assault.
At the other end, Jamie Swift Drake, anticipating the usual friendly, floating brand of delivery, was caught off guard by the pace and accuracy of this new-look Metcalf 2.0. Attempting to ride and guide one square on the offside, they succeeded only in middling one straight to gully, a superb catch completing a passage of play quickly agreed upon by all present to be “actual cricket”.
Needless to say, unbridled celebrations exploded around the astro wicket as delighted and baffled teammates ran to embrace their side’s eponymous hero. Despite going on to post a healthy 20-over target of 187, some swashbuckling second-innings six hitting by another one of their own, Captain Jack (Gelsthorpe), condemned Hendrick’s to another defeat with three balls to spare.
Having sharpened his skills playing something resembling ‘proper cricket’ for a local Bristol outfit, he steamed in with a shimmering sense of confidence, cricket whites looking especially well-starched in the early June sun. The ball barrelled from his fingertips, as if released from some high-precision machine of war, heat-seeking the perfect line and length from his left-arm over-the-wicket assault.
At the other end, Jamie Swift Drake, anticipating the usual friendly, floating brand of delivery, was caught off guard by the pace and accuracy of this new-look Metcalf 2.0. Attempting to ride and guide one square on the offside, they succeeded only in middling one straight to gully, a superb catch completing a passage of play quickly agreed upon by all present to be “actual cricket”.
Needless to say, unbridled celebrations exploded around the astro wicket as delighted and baffled teammates ran to embrace their side’s eponymous hero. Despite going on to post a healthy 20-over target of 187, some swashbuckling second-innings six hitting by another one of their own, Captain Jack (Gelsthorpe), condemned Hendrick’s to another defeat with three balls to spare.
CHAPTER 2: MID-SEASON MEDIOCRITY
Faced with steadily declining availability and the usual degree of cricketing apathy, the search for a positive result continued well into the following month. A T20 against (yet another) former Hendrick’s alum, Ben Dougan and his Pelicans, saw the customary midweek assembly of James Gilbert’s ‘Alternative Asset Management and Investment’ colleagues. But even with the fabulously titled Ireland, Walker and van Romunde in the ranks, a six-wicket defeat could not be averted.
The next assignment was a new fixture against King’s Road CC, a team described as “a shade above our level” by skipper Hewlett, which saw his side lose by slightly more than a shade. Hendrick’s came out on the wrong end of a 91-run hammering, but the provision of a tea praised by the Big V – with his usual degree of effusive gushing – as “a plus”, did manage to make the consummate defeat feel just about worth the trip to south Wimbledon.
The next assignment was a new fixture against King’s Road CC, a team described as “a shade above our level” by skipper Hewlett, which saw his side lose by slightly more than a shade. Hendrick’s came out on the wrong end of a 91-run hammering, but the provision of a tea praised by the Big V – with his usual degree of effusive gushing – as “a plus”, did manage to make the consummate defeat feel just about worth the trip to south Wimbledon.
Elsewhere around the venerable grounds of England, various part-time Hendricksers plied their trade with greater degrees of success. Metcalf faced off against millionaire Brexiteer Arron Banks, satisfyingly taking a catch to dismiss him before crashing him for four with bat in hand, while Pearson turned out for the Veuve Cliquot VI – coming up against the ‘official’ Hendrick’s gin team, no less – as he played alongside Ian Bell at the alcohol brands’ Lord’s exhibition afternoon.
Behind the scenes, another Hendrick’s hero was hard at work burnishing an already impressive legacy. Throughout the season, Madhani’s sensational recruitment efforts – encompassing every night out, stroll down the street and visit to the Wimbledon tennis championships – were instrumental in keeping the team on the field.
Roping in an enormous buffet of random bystanders and unsuspecting Gland Slam spectators, he worked tirelessly to acquire anyone he encountered who expressed even the slightest interest in, or knowledge of, cricket. Often, though, the squad’s gain was Madhani’s loss, with several of his charges passing through the team showing genuine quality but a notable flakiness when it came to paying match subs, leaving their recruiter with an ever-spiralling tab to settle.
Behind the scenes, another Hendrick’s hero was hard at work burnishing an already impressive legacy. Throughout the season, Madhani’s sensational recruitment efforts – encompassing every night out, stroll down the street and visit to the Wimbledon tennis championships – were instrumental in keeping the team on the field.
Roping in an enormous buffet of random bystanders and unsuspecting Gland Slam spectators, he worked tirelessly to acquire anyone he encountered who expressed even the slightest interest in, or knowledge of, cricket. Often, though, the squad’s gain was Madhani’s loss, with several of his charges passing through the team showing genuine quality but a notable flakiness when it came to paying match subs, leaving their recruiter with an ever-spiralling tab to settle.
Back on the pitch, a slight reprieve was hoped for in a mid-July clash with Chumpshire following back-to-back victories in previous seasons. On a bracingly, almost dangerously, windswept afternoon in Ruskin Park – as rogue footballs, Sainsbury’s carrier bags and the occasional untethered child came whipping across the wicket during play – Hendrick’s once again attempted to rouse themselves to a first win of the summer.
Things started ominously as Khattak’s dry patch continued to flake and irritate, stretching into territory possibly requiring some form of aqueous cream or steroid-infused ointment. After another valiantly unsuccessful attempt to open the batting, with no other hapless volunteers stepping forward, Swift Drake had departed for one before their star batter was skittled for a six-ball duck.
A rebuild job by Hewlett and Josh Peffers, whose manful 23 included three boundaries crashed through the hands of first slip, edged the score towards respectability, with the former eventually heaving some wind-assisted blows down the ground en route to an stately half-century. New man Robin Forrester impressed with a debut 15, looking impenetrably cool batting in casual shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, before skipper Wickham wrapped up the innings in suitably chaotic fashion, barbecuing last-wicket partner Shah with a suicidal quick single.
Things started ominously as Khattak’s dry patch continued to flake and irritate, stretching into territory possibly requiring some form of aqueous cream or steroid-infused ointment. After another valiantly unsuccessful attempt to open the batting, with no other hapless volunteers stepping forward, Swift Drake had departed for one before their star batter was skittled for a six-ball duck.
A rebuild job by Hewlett and Josh Peffers, whose manful 23 included three boundaries crashed through the hands of first slip, edged the score towards respectability, with the former eventually heaving some wind-assisted blows down the ground en route to an stately half-century. New man Robin Forrester impressed with a debut 15, looking impenetrably cool batting in casual shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, before skipper Wickham wrapped up the innings in suitably chaotic fashion, barbecuing last-wicket partner Shah with a suicidal quick single.
Tidy returns and early wickets from Gilbert and Swift Drake briefly raised hope of defending a sub-par 161, before the game flew away from them as rapidly as the mountains of sandwich wrappers and Lucozade bottles barrelling downwind towards Denmark Hill station. Khattak’s solitary 14-run over saw him personally remove himself from the attack, as rumours abounded in the camp that he would be seeking to terminate his Hendrick’s contract with immediate effect and fill the remainder of the season with an extended honeymoon.
But, as the Baz-Ben axis has so profoundly taught us, there is always another chapter. While the England side were busy masterminding an almighty heist from two-down in the Ashes, there were signs of Hendrick’s fortunes on the turn.
But, as the Baz-Ben axis has so profoundly taught us, there is always another chapter. While the England side were busy masterminding an almighty heist from two-down in the Ashes, there were signs of Hendrick’s fortunes on the turn.
CHAPTER 3: DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK
Coincidentally saved from almost certain defeat as the Aussies had been at Old Trafford by a biblical downpour, their shambles of a fixture against Bricklayers Arms subsided into a damp trek to a nearby watering hole. It proved a staggeringly successful retreat, having been put to the sword by a robustly physiqued, flame-haired South African (widely suspected to be white-ball specialist Heinrich Klaasen on a six-hitting tune-up ahead of what would prove to be a particularly fruitful stint in The Hundred) whose effortless century saw half a dozen balls lost to the neighbouring tramlines.
There was a certain irony that the squad’s severe depletion owed much to the final Test at the Oval, with many of the team huddled in the stadium’s packed bars that day, while Swift Drake had pulled out last minute having been there the day before, blaming “those uncomfortable plastic chairs” for exacerbating a back injury. Any mention of the eight rounds of extravagantly over-priced lager shared that day were curiously omitted from their official public statement.
There was a certain irony that the squad’s severe depletion owed much to the final Test at the Oval, with many of the team huddled in the stadium’s packed bars that day, while Swift Drake had pulled out last minute having been there the day before, blaming “those uncomfortable plastic chairs” for exacerbating a back injury. Any mention of the eight rounds of extravagantly over-priced lager shared that day were curiously omitted from their official public statement.
After a thoroughly unjust draw was shaken upon, thoughts turned to the centrepiece of the season: Tour. In desperate need of kick-starting their summer, there was excited fluttering on social media that WhatsApp messages had been exchanged with some semi-retired fan favourites, chief among them ‘Batter Supreme’ Ross Quest.
In a later interview, Quest revealed that he had received a message from the management, “Tour?”, to which he dryly replied, “Lol”, before stating that, “Big V is the only captain I’d return for” in a saga likened to both Ben Stokes recalling Moeen Ali and beleaguered PM Rishi Sunak granting disgraced predecessor David Cameron a lordship and the foreign ministry gig.
With their all-time run scorer returning to the squad alongside a reinvigorated Metcalf; the luxuriously moustachioed Tim Saunders; and refashioned ‘spin-bowling all-rounder’ Ed Robinson, they arrived in Sussex with expectations of a late-season turnaround on the climb.
In a later interview, Quest revealed that he had received a message from the management, “Tour?”, to which he dryly replied, “Lol”, before stating that, “Big V is the only captain I’d return for” in a saga likened to both Ben Stokes recalling Moeen Ali and beleaguered PM Rishi Sunak granting disgraced predecessor David Cameron a lordship and the foreign ministry gig.
With their all-time run scorer returning to the squad alongside a reinvigorated Metcalf; the luxuriously moustachioed Tim Saunders; and refashioned ‘spin-bowling all-rounder’ Ed Robinson, they arrived in Sussex with expectations of a late-season turnaround on the climb.
The mini-campaign kicked off with a bright and breezy T20 at Haywards Heath on Friday evening, lining up against the usual array of opposition first-teamers, old-guarders and under-14ers. Thankfully the first-teamers quietly shuffled themselves down the batting order and eschewed bowling duties as it became obvious the touring side’s billing as the ‘Hendrick’s 1st XI’ on Play-Cricket.com was something of a red herring.
Nevertheless, the green shoots of recovery were evident. Khattak bounded back with a stylish display of spin bowling to pick up a wicket before effecting a highly professional late run out, while the innings also saw a rare T20 maiden that was made even rarer by the fact it was bowled by pie-chucking decadent Wickham.
In true Bazball fashion they also entertained with the bat, some accomplished boundary hitting – including a lusty 39 from the rapacious Quest – capped off by a typically nonchalant six from aggressive lower-middle-order stalwart Gilbert. Metcalf continued his fine run of infrequent but rakishly eye-catching performances with a flurry of late fours, while the pièce de résistance was undoubtedly Peffers absolutely nailing a scoop shot (two runs off the shoulder of the bat) to his first ball, before being promptly bowled off his second.
Nevertheless, the green shoots of recovery were evident. Khattak bounded back with a stylish display of spin bowling to pick up a wicket before effecting a highly professional late run out, while the innings also saw a rare T20 maiden that was made even rarer by the fact it was bowled by pie-chucking decadent Wickham.
In true Bazball fashion they also entertained with the bat, some accomplished boundary hitting – including a lusty 39 from the rapacious Quest – capped off by a typically nonchalant six from aggressive lower-middle-order stalwart Gilbert. Metcalf continued his fine run of infrequent but rakishly eye-catching performances with a flurry of late fours, while the pièce de résistance was undoubtedly Peffers absolutely nailing a scoop shot (two runs off the shoulder of the bat) to his first ball, before being promptly bowled off his second.
Despite posting one of their highest-ever T20 scores of 147 they fell 16 short, in what was acknowledged as their most respectable defeat of the season to date. Which was, admittedly, a fairly low bar to clear. And there was still time for another much-loved Tour tradition, as Metcalf pouted, protested and petulantly refused to perform his forfeit for worst bowling figures.
Saturday saw a rerun of last year’s matchup against Ferring CC, when Quest’s spectacular Lone Ranger performance of 163* had single-handedly rescued the most dramatic and undeserved of draws. Unfortunately his heroics would not be repeated this time out, as he fell for an eight-ball duck, hearts visibly sinking in the Hendrick’s dugout when he chipped one to square leg.
The batting scorecard resembled a phone number typed in haste while drunk, perhaps attempting to call some shady taxi firm (2042 171 79) with a button sloppily missed off the end. Notable highlights among those single digits included Charlie Wickham finally chalking up his first-ever Hendrick’s run – at the seventh attempt – and Shah continuing an absurdly accomplished season with the bat to post the third-highest score of the day.
Thankfully the underwhelming tallies were punctuated by a pair of typically strong showings from two regular Hendrick’s rescuers. A resurgent Khattak powered his way to an imperious, run-a-ball 71 – nine fours and three towering sixes confirming the glory days had well and truly returned, the familiar sight of teammates wading into the undergrowth behind the pavilion to retrieve the ball warming the soul. He was supported by another bullish Gilbert barrage, whose 25 off 17 hauled the Hendrick’s total towards respectability.
Saturday saw a rerun of last year’s matchup against Ferring CC, when Quest’s spectacular Lone Ranger performance of 163* had single-handedly rescued the most dramatic and undeserved of draws. Unfortunately his heroics would not be repeated this time out, as he fell for an eight-ball duck, hearts visibly sinking in the Hendrick’s dugout when he chipped one to square leg.
The batting scorecard resembled a phone number typed in haste while drunk, perhaps attempting to call some shady taxi firm (2042 171 79) with a button sloppily missed off the end. Notable highlights among those single digits included Charlie Wickham finally chalking up his first-ever Hendrick’s run – at the seventh attempt – and Shah continuing an absurdly accomplished season with the bat to post the third-highest score of the day.
Thankfully the underwhelming tallies were punctuated by a pair of typically strong showings from two regular Hendrick’s rescuers. A resurgent Khattak powered his way to an imperious, run-a-ball 71 – nine fours and three towering sixes confirming the glory days had well and truly returned, the familiar sight of teammates wading into the undergrowth behind the pavilion to retrieve the ball warming the soul. He was supported by another bullish Gilbert barrage, whose 25 off 17 hauled the Hendrick’s total towards respectability.
With something resembling momentum behind them, the team began a vigorous defence of their 149. Gilbert picked up where he had left off with the bat, sending down a spicy opening spell (with the customary couple of beamers thrown in) of 2-28 while Swift Drake’s economy of 2.17 would have made even parsimonious Lancastrian Jimmy Anderson nod with approval.
Khattak cemented a MOTM performance with a well-honed 1-28 late on, alongside a similarly reinvigorated Metcalf whose tidy display was not quite enough to prevent a six-wicket defeat as the timed match edged towards its end. But the day’s drama was far from done.
As the team toasted another game in which they’d gone down swinging, unbeknownst to much of the contingent their enigmatic talisman Quest had slipped away under cover of darkness. Did he find the loose, ‘vibes-based captaincy’ of Wickham and Saunders too lackadaisical for his tastes? Was he so disgusted with his own dismissal earlier in the day that he slunk into the night to avoid the harsh gaze of public scrutiny?
Rumours abounded of late-night AirBnB carnage, bust-ups with fellow players and fallings out with the management. There was even talk in the press of a massage parlour-esque setup in the player’s room, with a string of exotic women reportedly seen coming and going from the team’s Brighton base.
Whatever the cause, he made full use of a newly acquired driving licence to speed away from the scene, reportedly sighted in possession of several million Guinean Francs and a fake passport bearing the name ‘Guillermo Delicioso’. It left the team needing to conjure up a something special, now missing both Quest and Gilbert, to end a winless run in danger of breaking through the 12-month barrier.
Khattak cemented a MOTM performance with a well-honed 1-28 late on, alongside a similarly reinvigorated Metcalf whose tidy display was not quite enough to prevent a six-wicket defeat as the timed match edged towards its end. But the day’s drama was far from done.
As the team toasted another game in which they’d gone down swinging, unbeknownst to much of the contingent their enigmatic talisman Quest had slipped away under cover of darkness. Did he find the loose, ‘vibes-based captaincy’ of Wickham and Saunders too lackadaisical for his tastes? Was he so disgusted with his own dismissal earlier in the day that he slunk into the night to avoid the harsh gaze of public scrutiny?
Rumours abounded of late-night AirBnB carnage, bust-ups with fellow players and fallings out with the management. There was even talk in the press of a massage parlour-esque setup in the player’s room, with a string of exotic women reportedly seen coming and going from the team’s Brighton base.
Whatever the cause, he made full use of a newly acquired driving licence to speed away from the scene, reportedly sighted in possession of several million Guinean Francs and a fake passport bearing the name ‘Guillermo Delicioso’. It left the team needing to conjure up a something special, now missing both Quest and Gilbert, to end a winless run in danger of breaking through the 12-month barrier.
Facing off against Palmers, who had claimed a dramatic last-over victory in the previous season’s fixture, Swift Drake started things up in predictably metronomic fashion, before Wickham (the elder) claimed a couple of surprise wickets with deliveries described by the opposition umpire as “so mysterious they must be coming straight out of the Bermuda Triangle”.
A wicket for Wickham (the younger) and a first scalp for Robinson’s newly unleashed ‘off-spin’ saw them take a firm but tender hold on the game, while there was still time for our Men of the Season to make their mark.
With the score ticking up towards something challenging and 200 in sight, Metcalf was brought on to, in his own words, “kick ass, crack skulls and take names”. He did not disappoint. Charging in with legs pumping, channelling the recently retired Stuart Broad, he barrelled the ball into the pitch, extracting hitherto unimaginable pace and bounce to blow the lower order away.
A devastating spell of 4-8 effectively ended the innings, before the final wicket was fittingly wrapped up by (who else?) Khattak. In a sign that his swagger had once more returned, he sidled up to the skipper between innings after hearing of a proposed batting lineup that saw Robinson open alongside Hewlett – a man whose performances at the top of the order had been likened by Gilbert to his favourite curry order, “stodgy, spicy and numbing”.
A wicket for Wickham (the younger) and a first scalp for Robinson’s newly unleashed ‘off-spin’ saw them take a firm but tender hold on the game, while there was still time for our Men of the Season to make their mark.
With the score ticking up towards something challenging and 200 in sight, Metcalf was brought on to, in his own words, “kick ass, crack skulls and take names”. He did not disappoint. Charging in with legs pumping, channelling the recently retired Stuart Broad, he barrelled the ball into the pitch, extracting hitherto unimaginable pace and bounce to blow the lower order away.
A devastating spell of 4-8 effectively ended the innings, before the final wicket was fittingly wrapped up by (who else?) Khattak. In a sign that his swagger had once more returned, he sidled up to the skipper between innings after hearing of a proposed batting lineup that saw Robinson open alongside Hewlett – a man whose performances at the top of the order had been likened by Gilbert to his favourite curry order, “stodgy, spicy and numbing”.
Khattak underlined his credentials and made a compelling case for facing the first ball, charismatically overruling captain Wickham in a devastatingly charming coup d’etat. Thankfully, his confidence was well placed, setting about the run chase with furious determination before retiring at 50, while Robinson's day out as a fully fledged all-rounder continued with a fine 47, falling narrowly short of a consecutive half-century against Palmers.
Hewlett and Ravi Patel did their best to orchestrate a mid-innings collapse, both dismissed for one, before May brought a steely competence to proceedings. He steadied the ship with a classically calm-yet-furious 41*, while Metcalf once more applied the icing and hit the winning runs with a delicious late cameo of 18* – largely dealt in boundaries – in a performance that would later earn him the Co-op Cava Moment of the Season for the second time in three years.
The victory was celebrated with relief more than joy, as Hendrick’s finally averted a catastrophic winless run dating back 51 weeks to August 2022. Asked about his role in a crucial triumph, and his own sensational breakthrough season, Metcalf later reflected, “Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years rockin’ my peers, puttin’ suckers in fear, makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon. Listen to the bass go boom”, before cryptically adding, “I’m gonna knock you out, mama said knock you out…”
Hewlett and Ravi Patel did their best to orchestrate a mid-innings collapse, both dismissed for one, before May brought a steely competence to proceedings. He steadied the ship with a classically calm-yet-furious 41*, while Metcalf once more applied the icing and hit the winning runs with a delicious late cameo of 18* – largely dealt in boundaries – in a performance that would later earn him the Co-op Cava Moment of the Season for the second time in three years.
The victory was celebrated with relief more than joy, as Hendrick’s finally averted a catastrophic winless run dating back 51 weeks to August 2022. Asked about his role in a crucial triumph, and his own sensational breakthrough season, Metcalf later reflected, “Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years rockin’ my peers, puttin’ suckers in fear, makin’ the tears rain down like a monsoon. Listen to the bass go boom”, before cryptically adding, “I’m gonna knock you out, mama said knock you out…”
CHAPTER 4: EPILOGUE & ACCOLADES
Naturally, the high was short lived. An always-doomed assignment against North Enfield got underway the following week, where a litany of defeats and borrowed players lay strewn at the base of the outfield’s enormous oak tree.
When Patel did his back in after sending down just eight balls, the writing was on the wall, despite an entertaining guest appearance from the opposition’s loanee, Ishan Tank. As well as a superb name, he also plugged a hole in the bowling, opened the batting, hit his first delivery for six, ran out the captain, and spent another 58 balls swinging like a middle aged couple trying to rekindle their romantic spark.
But elsewhere in their fraying phalanx, Khattak was putting the finishing touches on what would go down as a truly stunning late-summer masterpiece – a body of work stretching across a few febrile weeks that would write a new chapter in his great Hendrick’s legacy.
Even as North Enfield racked up a monstrous 265-5, he held the team together with a phlegmatic 2-31 off seven overs before peeling off another classy 50, having already recruited a couple of old compadres to flesh out the thinning roster of players. On his way home later that day he was also seen helping an old lady change her car tyre, completing a 10k charity run and rescuing a small child from a river.
When Patel did his back in after sending down just eight balls, the writing was on the wall, despite an entertaining guest appearance from the opposition’s loanee, Ishan Tank. As well as a superb name, he also plugged a hole in the bowling, opened the batting, hit his first delivery for six, ran out the captain, and spent another 58 balls swinging like a middle aged couple trying to rekindle their romantic spark.
But elsewhere in their fraying phalanx, Khattak was putting the finishing touches on what would go down as a truly stunning late-summer masterpiece – a body of work stretching across a few febrile weeks that would write a new chapter in his great Hendrick’s legacy.
Even as North Enfield racked up a monstrous 265-5, he held the team together with a phlegmatic 2-31 off seven overs before peeling off another classy 50, having already recruited a couple of old compadres to flesh out the thinning roster of players. On his way home later that day he was also seen helping an old lady change her car tyre, completing a 10k charity run and rescuing a small child from a river.
But with Patel unable to resume his on-field duties, having made a swift exit from the ground to avoid the hoards of paparazzi baying for photos, Hendrick’s ground to halt just one over shy of their allocated 35 and a mere 115 runs shy of their target.
Pressed for comment on another dramatic implosion at this most picturesque of suburban London grounds, Hewlett quipped, “It’s always great when your opening bowler and one of only nine players injures himself three and half overs into the match”, before concluding that, “After a lot of detailed statistical analysis, personal soul-searching and frank discussion with the management, we’ve come to the only logical conclusion: this fixture has clearly been cursed by some sort of shaman or powerful gypsy witch.”
Following a post-season review, the fixture has since been quietly dropped for 2024.
Fortunately there was still one last chance saloon to end the season on a high, with a late opposition dropout prompting a mad scramble for a suitably low-tier replacement in their final match. Hewlett foraged around on Twitter and rustled up Spartans 2nd XI, who made the long pilgrimage round the M25 to Hendrick’s home-away-from-home, Joseph Hood Rec.
A glorious early September afternoon drew in quite the crowd, predominately made up of Nowlan’s various family members. Fortunately, one was brother-in-law Callum McCulloch, whose presence brought a much-needed level of cricketing competence.
Rearmed with the twin cannons of McCulloch and Ollie Holland, firing from both barrels either side of trundling pea shooter Wickham, Hendrick’s made a rollicking start. The two alphas pawed the ground, charged in ferociously and largely dismembered the top order, Holland snaring 2-13 and McCulloch later stalking off with 3-3 after being brought back on to gorge on the tail.
Pressed for comment on another dramatic implosion at this most picturesque of suburban London grounds, Hewlett quipped, “It’s always great when your opening bowler and one of only nine players injures himself three and half overs into the match”, before concluding that, “After a lot of detailed statistical analysis, personal soul-searching and frank discussion with the management, we’ve come to the only logical conclusion: this fixture has clearly been cursed by some sort of shaman or powerful gypsy witch.”
Following a post-season review, the fixture has since been quietly dropped for 2024.
Fortunately there was still one last chance saloon to end the season on a high, with a late opposition dropout prompting a mad scramble for a suitably low-tier replacement in their final match. Hewlett foraged around on Twitter and rustled up Spartans 2nd XI, who made the long pilgrimage round the M25 to Hendrick’s home-away-from-home, Joseph Hood Rec.
A glorious early September afternoon drew in quite the crowd, predominately made up of Nowlan’s various family members. Fortunately, one was brother-in-law Callum McCulloch, whose presence brought a much-needed level of cricketing competence.
Rearmed with the twin cannons of McCulloch and Ollie Holland, firing from both barrels either side of trundling pea shooter Wickham, Hendrick’s made a rollicking start. The two alphas pawed the ground, charged in ferociously and largely dismembered the top order, Holland snaring 2-13 and McCulloch later stalking off with 3-3 after being brought back on to gorge on the tail.
Stalking predatorily in the outfield, they also provided two sensational catches to deliver a couple of barely deserved scalps for their bowling sidekick, who would go on to claim a third courtesy of some masterful keeping from yet another Madhani recruit, Callum Rhodes, whose brilliance with gloves and bat was given a further veneer of professionalism by his thick South African twang.
The three-wicket haul would eventually do enough to tip Wickham over the top in the Bowler of the Season category, acknowledged by the man himself as “a dark day” and a “visible representation of this low water mark for our great club” in a somewhat underwhelming victory speech.
Back on the pitch, their entertaining summer finale even saw crowd favourite Nowlan take a rare pole, again thanks to a sharp stumping from Rhodes. Those two then combined shortly after to form a formidable second-wicket partnership in pursuit of a tantalising 124, with Nowlan Sr watching along approving from close proximity as honorary umpire for the day, before both batters retired at the drinks break.
McCulloch’s shock dismissal after the restart sparked an unsurprising collapse, only for Khattak to steady the ship, his magnum opus of a summer by now into its glorious finale and closing refrain. Steering them home like a weary father figure shepherding his offspring to bed after a long, draining day, he capped off a superb a year – 264 runs at 37.7 as he moved his career tally past 1,200 and scooped the Batter of the Season award.
The three-wicket haul would eventually do enough to tip Wickham over the top in the Bowler of the Season category, acknowledged by the man himself as “a dark day” and a “visible representation of this low water mark for our great club” in a somewhat underwhelming victory speech.
Back on the pitch, their entertaining summer finale even saw crowd favourite Nowlan take a rare pole, again thanks to a sharp stumping from Rhodes. Those two then combined shortly after to form a formidable second-wicket partnership in pursuit of a tantalising 124, with Nowlan Sr watching along approving from close proximity as honorary umpire for the day, before both batters retired at the drinks break.
McCulloch’s shock dismissal after the restart sparked an unsurprising collapse, only for Khattak to steady the ship, his magnum opus of a summer by now into its glorious finale and closing refrain. Steering them home like a weary father figure shepherding his offspring to bed after a long, draining day, he capped off a superb a year – 264 runs at 37.7 as he moved his career tally past 1,200 and scooped the Batter of the Season award.
The late season rally had at last rescued a scintilla of respectability in 2023. Even if a second win in three games felt a little like thinking of the perfect witty response to a put-down several minutes too late, much like the England’s shambolic exit from the ODI World Cup.
But there were plenty of reasons to start firing up the optimism engines once more in the off-season. Madhani’s almost ceaseless press-ganging of new players throughout the year, like some furiously enthusiastic conscription officer, had not only swelled the ranks but contributed – along with his memorable test match heroics – to the swell of support for his ‘Players’ Playa’ award.
Honourable mentions too for May’s characteristic excellence with the bat, extending record partnerships with both Hewlett (361 runs – and I think we know who was doing most of the heavy lifting) as well as Saunders (250), while Metcalf’s nomination of Peffers for the end of season gongs provided a fitting reminder of what the team stands for:
“Frankly, his stats might be underwhelming, but he adds value to the team in more tangible ways. A pleasure to play with or against.”
With the riotous promise of the 2024 season now on the horizon, we go again. Look out for more cricketing chaos, more unsuspecting new faces, and hopefully more of Peffers perfecting the ramp. See you soon.
But there were plenty of reasons to start firing up the optimism engines once more in the off-season. Madhani’s almost ceaseless press-ganging of new players throughout the year, like some furiously enthusiastic conscription officer, had not only swelled the ranks but contributed – along with his memorable test match heroics – to the swell of support for his ‘Players’ Playa’ award.
Honourable mentions too for May’s characteristic excellence with the bat, extending record partnerships with both Hewlett (361 runs – and I think we know who was doing most of the heavy lifting) as well as Saunders (250), while Metcalf’s nomination of Peffers for the end of season gongs provided a fitting reminder of what the team stands for:
“Frankly, his stats might be underwhelming, but he adds value to the team in more tangible ways. A pleasure to play with or against.”
With the riotous promise of the 2024 season now on the horizon, we go again. Look out for more cricketing chaos, more unsuspecting new faces, and hopefully more of Peffers perfecting the ramp. See you soon.