Two days. Two teams. One glorious trophy.
The first official Test match between the great cricketing dynasties of Hendrick’s and Plastics had been years in the making. Behind the scenes, intense negotiations over match fees, host venue and prize money made the recent attempt to fix up a Joshua v Fury title fight look like a genial chat with the local vicar. After months of back and forth, the long-awaited two-dayer was eventually slated for May 2020, only for the pandemic to cruelly intervene.
But on a brilliantly warm bank holiday weekend, almost twelve months on to the day, the dream was finally realised. Fantasy became reality as the two sides arrived at Battersea Park, ready to begin a contest the press were already billing as ‘The Game of Games’ and ‘The Richest Match in the History of Sub-Village Cricket’.
Following years of close sporting camaraderie and simmering, unspoken hostility, the Hendrick’s-Plastics fixture had become a highlight of the season for both these nomadic urban clubs. A recent sizeable investment from Dove Groundworks Ltd.* had seen it rebranded under the title of its new headline sponsor, with a magnificent, four-foot-high trophy rumoured to be in construction for future editions.
*rising from the ashes of previous Hendrick’s kit sponsor Dove Construction Ltd. in fascinating sub-saga too tasty to be relayed within this narrative.
Throngs of unsuspecting punters took their place pitch-side, with consecutive hottest days of the year (an admittedly low bar to clear) prompting the heavy application of sun cream ahead of a truly historic moment. The sizzle of barbecues and the steel drums of the Test Match Special theme tune could be heard drifting around the boundary edge, with legendary commentators Jonathan Agnew and Simon Mann perched up with microphones, tuning their vocal cords for the impending arrival of the New Zealand Test team a few postcodes north.
After clearing the outfield of casual footballers, drunk West Londoners and soon-to-be-upset children apparently unaware of the magnitude of the sporting occasion about to unfold beside them, the stage was set, and the game was afoot.
The first official Test match between the great cricketing dynasties of Hendrick’s and Plastics had been years in the making. Behind the scenes, intense negotiations over match fees, host venue and prize money made the recent attempt to fix up a Joshua v Fury title fight look like a genial chat with the local vicar. After months of back and forth, the long-awaited two-dayer was eventually slated for May 2020, only for the pandemic to cruelly intervene.
But on a brilliantly warm bank holiday weekend, almost twelve months on to the day, the dream was finally realised. Fantasy became reality as the two sides arrived at Battersea Park, ready to begin a contest the press were already billing as ‘The Game of Games’ and ‘The Richest Match in the History of Sub-Village Cricket’.
Following years of close sporting camaraderie and simmering, unspoken hostility, the Hendrick’s-Plastics fixture had become a highlight of the season for both these nomadic urban clubs. A recent sizeable investment from Dove Groundworks Ltd.* had seen it rebranded under the title of its new headline sponsor, with a magnificent, four-foot-high trophy rumoured to be in construction for future editions.
*rising from the ashes of previous Hendrick’s kit sponsor Dove Construction Ltd. in fascinating sub-saga too tasty to be relayed within this narrative.
Throngs of unsuspecting punters took their place pitch-side, with consecutive hottest days of the year (an admittedly low bar to clear) prompting the heavy application of sun cream ahead of a truly historic moment. The sizzle of barbecues and the steel drums of the Test Match Special theme tune could be heard drifting around the boundary edge, with legendary commentators Jonathan Agnew and Simon Mann perched up with microphones, tuning their vocal cords for the impending arrival of the New Zealand Test team a few postcodes north.
After clearing the outfield of casual footballers, drunk West Londoners and soon-to-be-upset children apparently unaware of the magnitude of the sporting occasion about to unfold beside them, the stage was set, and the game was afoot.
Day One. A Dignified Beginning.
First innings: Plastics to bat
Hendrick’s captain Tim Saunders, wearing a recently cultivated, trimmed and waxed moustache in the style of a WWII fighter pilot, won the toss and elected to bowl. Fittingly, the new ball was thrown to another player who had spent much of lockdown analysing and upgrading his grooming situation.
While most had used the preceding months preparing for the season, Ross Quest – not in need of such formalities after three blistering centuries and rediscovering his form with the ball last year – instead sought out the same hair specialist who had cast such powerful magic over the barnets of other top names in the world of cricket.
Notable success stories include Shane Warne embarking on a long-term relationship with international businesswoman Liz Hurley, and Michael Vaughan somehow waltzing his way into the eighth week of Strictly Come Dancing. We’ve heard Quest is now in line for the next series of the dance-based BBC show and has enquired as to Hurley’s availability.
Hendrick’s captain Tim Saunders, wearing a recently cultivated, trimmed and waxed moustache in the style of a WWII fighter pilot, won the toss and elected to bowl. Fittingly, the new ball was thrown to another player who had spent much of lockdown analysing and upgrading his grooming situation.
While most had used the preceding months preparing for the season, Ross Quest – not in need of such formalities after three blistering centuries and rediscovering his form with the ball last year – instead sought out the same hair specialist who had cast such powerful magic over the barnets of other top names in the world of cricket.
Notable success stories include Shane Warne embarking on a long-term relationship with international businesswoman Liz Hurley, and Michael Vaughan somehow waltzing his way into the eighth week of Strictly Come Dancing. We’ve heard Quest is now in line for the next series of the dance-based BBC show and has enquired as to Hurley’s availability.
Bristling with his new-found follicle confidence, he opened up alongside the less famous older brother of Drug Store Romeos drummer Jonny Gilbert. Proceedings quickly assumed a traditional Test match air, with a sedate scoring rate entirely befitting the gravity of the occasion. Rotund old men wearing linen suits and colourful ties would have nodded approvingly from the Lord’s Members’ Enclosure, had that particular members’ enclosure been in closer proximity to Battersea Park.
After fencing respectfully for a time, a Hendrick’s bowling change proved decisive in unlocking the opening wickets, as Ed Robinson smashed through the defences before Ajay Shah wandered through benignly behind him. With both openers gone, Hendrick’s looked to exploit their advantage. Shortly after lunch Plastics found themselves 117-4, with Henry Wickham astonishingly claiming a wicket either side of the break with some of his trademark grenades. Meanwhile, the session was soundtracked by the gentle murmur of James Hewlett’s innovative and often surrealist sledging. Having been hard at work in the off-season adding to his ever-growing repertoire of unique one-liners, the master craftsman was keen to punctuate the atmosphere at regular intervals. |
He could be seen periodically checking his notebook before trotting out such memorable phrases as, “These are some sexy lengths here, Gilbert” and “This is filthy, top-shelf stuff”, before transitioning into “Victoria Secret don’t stock anything this saucy” and “This type of bowling’s been outlawed in several countries!”. His metaphors became increasingly risqué and explicitly salacious as the day wore on, with many unrepeatable in this write-up – and more broadly within civilised society.
A profitable afternoon session for the Plastics saw them advance to 250-7 with the tea break on the horizon. Their glacial but steady progress was helped in no small measure by a string of Hendrick’s dropped catches, with no fewer than six going down on the opening day. A particular highlight was Gilbert attempting a gorgeous pirouette as he went to make a regulation catch less regulation by propelling himself several feet into the air accompanied by a delightful half-turn. The results were mixed, his aerodynamic grace coming at the expense of fielding reliability.
A profitable afternoon session for the Plastics saw them advance to 250-7 with the tea break on the horizon. Their glacial but steady progress was helped in no small measure by a string of Hendrick’s dropped catches, with no fewer than six going down on the opening day. A particular highlight was Gilbert attempting a gorgeous pirouette as he went to make a regulation catch less regulation by propelling himself several feet into the air accompanied by a delightful half-turn. The results were mixed, his aerodynamic grace coming at the expense of fielding reliability.
Knowing the devastating impact he would wreak upon the opposition, Saunders had kept his secret weapon, Hewlett, in reserve to blow apart any stubborn lower-middle order resistance. Like a gangly wrecking ball, he duly demolished the walls, doors and antique furniture of the Plastics’ batting structure, leaving only a dusty pit of desolation following career-best figures of 3-10.
Some tidy work from Olly May – who had adopted a sexy new spelling of his name, with a millennial ‘y’ to appeal to a younger generation of fans, for the season – and some rancorous filth from Josh Peffers proved valuable, with a couple of quick wickets leaving the score on 260-9 at tea. With their appetite for both M&S pastries and runs satiated after the break, the loss of a final wicket prompted Plastics captain Charlie Bradbury to seize upon the chance to fire the Declare Flare and tick another item off the cricketing bucket list. Plastics 267-10 dec. Hewlett 3-10, Wickham 2-32, May 1-11 |
Second innings: Hendrick’s XI to bat
It left a tasty period for the Hendrick’s openers to navigate, as the sun dropped and the volume of inebriated chanting from nearby revellers rose ever higher. Fortunately, they had two chiselled and weather-beaten old pros to lead their reply. In a match unburdened by the frivolous notion of time, Saunders and Hewlett – two batsmen for whom scoring slowly had become something of an art form – took to the crease.
The word ‘turgid’ is thrown around all too often in cricket, but there are certain phases of play when the purity of the word is restored to its true essence. Saturday evening was one such occasion. Relishing the long-awaited opportunity to drop anchor even more deeply and obdurately than usual, captain and vice-captain ensured that for the first 15 overs the Hendrick’s vessel stayed well and truly harboured at port.
It left a tasty period for the Hendrick’s openers to navigate, as the sun dropped and the volume of inebriated chanting from nearby revellers rose ever higher. Fortunately, they had two chiselled and weather-beaten old pros to lead their reply. In a match unburdened by the frivolous notion of time, Saunders and Hewlett – two batsmen for whom scoring slowly had become something of an art form – took to the crease.
The word ‘turgid’ is thrown around all too often in cricket, but there are certain phases of play when the purity of the word is restored to its true essence. Saturday evening was one such occasion. Relishing the long-awaited opportunity to drop anchor even more deeply and obdurately than usual, captain and vice-captain ensured that for the first 15 overs the Hendrick’s vessel stayed well and truly harboured at port.
Maiden after maiden passed by, with only an infrequent single, wide or bye to relieve the crushing density of the innings. Like an immense black hole, the gravity of the partnership prevented anything from escaping it, assuming a pace so slow it seemed time was reversing the closer you came to the crease.
Talk in the dressing room quickly turned to how a new man could be planted to run out the statuesque batsmen, if only an opening could be created within the fabric of their unique region of spacetime. Hewlett eventually succumbed to the pressure – with even his imperious powers of concentration yielding to the supermassive clagginess of his own batting – clean bowled after an innings of 39 balls, five runs and a record-low strike rate a shade below 13. Saunders, too, would depart before the evening was out, leaving for 19 from 73 balls, and a comparatively explosive strike rate of 26. |
The river of runs was steadily undammed with the arrival of Quest, as punters streamed back to their seats from the bar. Much like a celibate priest choosing to leave the clergy and embark on a spate of unrepentant fornication, the shackles were off and the stroke-playing chastity belt left forgotten in a dark corner.
The sight of the close sparked excited talk of sending in a nightwatchman, with the game’s two-day format opening the window for another square on the Test match bingo card to be stamped. Khattak was particularly vocal about dispatching Shah to assume a role made famous by such household names as Nicky Boje, Ian Healy and Wasim Bari. Remember those guys? Of course you do.
Unfortunately, the lower-order stalwart was denied the chance to join the hallowed ranks of The Watchmen, with number four Owez Madhani assuming his correct place in the batting line-up – only to be greeted by raucously ironic jeers of “They’re sending in the nightwatchman!” upon his arrival at the crease. The new man visibly seethed beneath the grill and visor of his helmet.
The sight of the close sparked excited talk of sending in a nightwatchman, with the game’s two-day format opening the window for another square on the Test match bingo card to be stamped. Khattak was particularly vocal about dispatching Shah to assume a role made famous by such household names as Nicky Boje, Ian Healy and Wasim Bari. Remember those guys? Of course you do.
Unfortunately, the lower-order stalwart was denied the chance to join the hallowed ranks of The Watchmen, with number four Owez Madhani assuming his correct place in the batting line-up – only to be greeted by raucously ironic jeers of “They’re sending in the nightwatchman!” upon his arrival at the crease. The new man visibly seethed beneath the grill and visor of his helmet.
With Plastics sensing another wicket it promised to be a tense end to the day, as fielders were stationed with increasing proximity to the bat.
Fortunately for the Hendrick’s XI, Madhani had been closely studying the techniques of his predecessors at the crease and immediately assumed a similarly dogged approach to his work. After blocking a nail-biting final over, he ended the day with a hard-fought one run from 28 balls, leaving the side 130-2 at stumps. Shortly after the close of play, we caught up with skipper Saunders to get his views on the day’s play. “Being honest, it was a long, hard slog in the field, but Quest’s new hair really gave us all the lift we needed. It’s one of the comeback stories of the century and reminded us that, in this day and age, anything really is possible.” |
Day Two. A Frenetic Finale.
The match was delicately poised. It was, as they say in the world of Test match cricket, “a crucial morning session”, with both sides looking to take the upper hand. The Hendrick’s XI were in need of a solid first hour of gentle accumulation followed by an aggressive burst of pre-lunch destruction to catapult them to a commanding first-innings lead.
Careful battle plans were drawn up, with close consideration given to the balance of the remaining batting order. With some incendiary hitters waiting to ignite the game, they looked well placed to deliver. But sometimes in life there is a gap between what there ought to be and what there is. On this occasion, the gap was a yawning chasm into which the Hendrick’s batsmen blindly stumbled.
Having settled merrily into their pitch-side positions under the baking early afternoon sun, a sickening silence descended upon the team as their talismanic Quest was caught on the boundary without adding to his overnight 81. Spectators could be seen picking up their belongings and heading for the exits even as other punters arrived at their seats, so disgusted were they at being robbed of the chance to see their hero perform.
Careful battle plans were drawn up, with close consideration given to the balance of the remaining batting order. With some incendiary hitters waiting to ignite the game, they looked well placed to deliver. But sometimes in life there is a gap between what there ought to be and what there is. On this occasion, the gap was a yawning chasm into which the Hendrick’s batsmen blindly stumbled.
Having settled merrily into their pitch-side positions under the baking early afternoon sun, a sickening silence descended upon the team as their talismanic Quest was caught on the boundary without adding to his overnight 81. Spectators could be seen picking up their belongings and heading for the exits even as other punters arrived at their seats, so disgusted were they at being robbed of the chance to see their hero perform.
It prompted a comfortingly predictable collapse that saw them slide familiarly, like an ageing television watcher slumping into a well-worn armchair, to 150-6.
Madhani built on his previous record-setting series of dot balls with a small flurry of (two) boundaries and an equally stylish dismissal, before Simon Minchinton and Olly May tried to outdo each other for fastest duck (three and two balls respectively). The ship was steadied by the gentle but robust presence of Qas Khattak, a father figure wearily picking up his poorly coordinated children after they had fallen noisily to the floor, and the surprisingly diligent Peffers. For a man whose usual length of stay at the crease was anywhere between three and five balls, Peffers’s catching of the infectious Test match spirit was a joy to behold, as he buckled down with a medley of genuine forward defensives and other occasionally recognisable cricket shots. He capably sunk the side’s average strike rate to impressive new depths, taking a gentlemanly three runs – all scored with one shot – from his 32 balls. |
By the time he departed to chorus of warm applause from his appreciative teammates and casual bystanders, the score had inched along to 185-8, giving the famous new-ball, lower-order partnership of Gilbert and Robinson a platform from which to tee off.
A blizzard of boundaries and several San Miguels (all consumed by Peffers) later, they had soared past the 200 mark. Delighted Battersea Park revellers were even treated to a famous knock by bottom-of-the-lineup favourite Shah, who crashed past his personal best in a scintillating knock of seven.
Seeing Wickham – still grossly over-placed even in his novel new position of number 12 – play some of his trademark hacks outside the off-stump, he was swift to caution his new partner towards a more circumspect approach, only to then find himself bowled by a waist-high full toss the following over. It felt a fitting end to the Hendrick’s XI’s simultaneously sluggish, frenetic, tedious and explosively entertaining debut Test innings.
Hendrick’s 238 all out
Quest 81, Robinson 32, Khattak 22
Third innings: Plastics to bat, lead by 29
Having fallen short of their target, Hendrick’s had fortuitously left their opponents with a tricky spell to negotiate before lunch. After loudly eulogising about the merits of opening the bowling with a ‘fast-slow’ combination, slow-pace specialist Hewlett inadvertently talked himself into opening the bowling.
Ed ‘Mr. Economical’ Robinson – a nickname given to him by his girlfriend during a particularly brief spell of lovemaking – kept things predictably parsimonious at the other end, serving up his speciality of “a couple of wickets and not many runs”, including a crucial breakthrough on the stroke of lunch.
A blizzard of boundaries and several San Miguels (all consumed by Peffers) later, they had soared past the 200 mark. Delighted Battersea Park revellers were even treated to a famous knock by bottom-of-the-lineup favourite Shah, who crashed past his personal best in a scintillating knock of seven.
Seeing Wickham – still grossly over-placed even in his novel new position of number 12 – play some of his trademark hacks outside the off-stump, he was swift to caution his new partner towards a more circumspect approach, only to then find himself bowled by a waist-high full toss the following over. It felt a fitting end to the Hendrick’s XI’s simultaneously sluggish, frenetic, tedious and explosively entertaining debut Test innings.
Hendrick’s 238 all out
Quest 81, Robinson 32, Khattak 22
Third innings: Plastics to bat, lead by 29
Having fallen short of their target, Hendrick’s had fortuitously left their opponents with a tricky spell to negotiate before lunch. After loudly eulogising about the merits of opening the bowling with a ‘fast-slow’ combination, slow-pace specialist Hewlett inadvertently talked himself into opening the bowling.
Ed ‘Mr. Economical’ Robinson – a nickname given to him by his girlfriend during a particularly brief spell of lovemaking – kept things predictably parsimonious at the other end, serving up his speciality of “a couple of wickets and not many runs”, including a crucial breakthrough on the stroke of lunch.
After a probing start, an uppish drive was nailed into the covers. Springing athletically like a salmon flapping towards its mating waters, Gilbert launched himself into a spectacular dive as the rest of the team drew breath. He sprawled to the astroturf of the nearby artificial wicket, clinging onto a majestic two-handed catch that seemed to erase the pain inflicted by several months of so-called ‘difficult fielding’.
“Damn, tastes like redemption!”, we’re pretty sure he exclaimed triumphantly after springing back to his feet. It left the Hendrick’s XI in jubilant mood heading into the break, the score at 18-1 and the lead 47. Upon resumption, Grenadier General Wickham returned to toss up a selection of pies, dollies and gentle moon balls. Against all the odds, he inexplicably lobbed down a series of maidens and claimed career-best figures of 3-11 in a spell the popular media were swift to brandish “a disgrace to the sport”, “a shameful day for cricket” and “a national travesty from which we may never recover”. |
Gilbert then continued his renaissance, enjoying something of a return to form after commenting that his performance on day one had been nothing short of “a personal crisis”. Tidy contributions from Quest and Khattak kept the scoring in check and, despite a captain’s knock from Bradbury to hold the innings together, a brittle lower-order display saw Plastics bowled out for 130.
It left a chaseable but challenging target on a lifeless pitch that had been depressingly fatigued long before the game had started. Excited commentary could be heard fluttering on the boundary edge, with David Lloyd reappropriating his famous line when he announced that Hendrick’s “have nothing at all to lose here. Except the Test match.”
Fourth innings: Hendrick's to bat, 162 to win
Telegraphing his intentions with a bold opening partnership selection, Saunders readied a couple of pinch hitters to fire the team off the mark. The ‘boundary or bust’ pairing of Robinson and May took to the crease, with the former in particular showing absolutely zero respect to the bowling. The inevitable sound of ball hitting wickets reverberating around the ground shortly after, as he attempted a breezy hoick over midwicket to a straight ball seaming away, which set the tone for what was to become a chaotic and immodestly exciting final innings.
It left a chaseable but challenging target on a lifeless pitch that had been depressingly fatigued long before the game had started. Excited commentary could be heard fluttering on the boundary edge, with David Lloyd reappropriating his famous line when he announced that Hendrick’s “have nothing at all to lose here. Except the Test match.”
Fourth innings: Hendrick's to bat, 162 to win
Telegraphing his intentions with a bold opening partnership selection, Saunders readied a couple of pinch hitters to fire the team off the mark. The ‘boundary or bust’ pairing of Robinson and May took to the crease, with the former in particular showing absolutely zero respect to the bowling. The inevitable sound of ball hitting wickets reverberating around the ground shortly after, as he attempted a breezy hoick over midwicket to a straight ball seaming away, which set the tone for what was to become a chaotic and immodestly exciting final innings.
A more determined if unspectacular partnership between May and Madhani saw them recover to 38-1, only for wickets to begin dropping at regular intervals like Taylor Swift releasing a string of highly acclaimed LPs.
But with Quest providing something approaching his usual fluency, the Hendrick’s XI were still in the game, and he was joined by one of the side’s often unsung heroes. Arriving at the crease with an average hovering somewhere in the mid-single figures, expectations for Minchinton’s innings were as modest as his statistics. But to the discerning onlooker, a steely glint sparkled in his eye. Galvanising determination coursed through him as he set about his work. Even after Quest’s departure with Hendrick’s still almost 70 behind, his faith in his abilities never wavered, shepherding the innings with a calculated precision reminiscent of Stokes at Headingley. A couple of boundaries from Saunders edged them closer still, but by the time Hewlett strode to the middle with the score on 116-9 and just one of Shah or Wickham to come, Plastics must surely have sensed a breathtaking late victory. It was a tantalising state of play, the electric atmosphere almost audibly crackling in the fading sunlight. All three results remained firmly on the table, the runs still gettable and a draw still possible, while defeat also looked ever more likely. |
Playing with his usual sense of monk-like self-restraint, Hewlett’s presence at the crease seemed unlikely to crank up the tempo, leaving the required rate bobbing along agonisingly out of reach. But Minchinton had other ideas. Unfurling a couple of glorious boundaries that brought the Hendrick’s contingent cheering wildly to their feet, he pressed on with a dynamic sense of purpose.
The loudest applause was reserved for the least likely sight of all, as Hewlett clonked a short ball over cow corner for a boundary so rare it could have been declared endangered. It left them with eight to win from the final over. The sight of Wickham padded up – having won the brief negotiation with Shah over the final batting slot – should one of them fall inspired little confidence, so it was surely up to the men in the middle.
The loudest applause was reserved for the least likely sight of all, as Hewlett clonked a short ball over cow corner for a boundary so rare it could have been declared endangered. It left them with eight to win from the final over. The sight of Wickham padded up – having won the brief negotiation with Shah over the final batting slot – should one of them fall inspired little confidence, so it was surely up to the men in the middle.
Throwing bat at ball and running hard, they inched towards Test match glory and sporting immortality. It was then two required from the last ball – a simple equation riddled with inconceivable variables.
But when one final, valiant swish connected only with air, the chase was up and a draw the result. It was, they all agreed, and entirely fair reflection of a riveting two-day cricket extravaganza. As the creaking, heavily dehydrated players drifted off in a haze of sweat and moderate euphoria, we grabbed a few words with dispensable place-filler Wickham. |
“Well, obviously we were disappointed not to get over the line in the end. But I think I speak for everyone when I say that the sight of Big V [Hewlett] spanking the ball at the end there like a randy teenager roused some pretty intense and complicated feelings. It’s an image that will certainly stay with me for a long time. I’ll need to go away and rethink a few basic principles.”
So, the Dove Groundworks Ltd. Trophy for now remains unclaimed, the engraver stood down for another year. But with the Test appetites whetted and a windfall of eye-watering sponsorship due to flood in next year, like Colombian cocaine pouring into 1980’s Miami, expectations are high for one of sport’s hottest rivalries to get a whole lot spicier.
MATCH DRAWN
Hendrick's 160-8
Minchinton 32*, Quest 30, Madhani 19
So, the Dove Groundworks Ltd. Trophy for now remains unclaimed, the engraver stood down for another year. But with the Test appetites whetted and a windfall of eye-watering sponsorship due to flood in next year, like Colombian cocaine pouring into 1980’s Miami, expectations are high for one of sport’s hottest rivalries to get a whole lot spicier.
MATCH DRAWN
Hendrick's 160-8
Minchinton 32*, Quest 30, Madhani 19